Okay, so, I had this, like, really important thought the other day while I was trying on heels and eating Pop-Tarts. I was like: “Wait… why do boring people keep running the world when hot people exist?” And Diamond rolled her eyes at me (she does that a lot), but then I realized… no, seriously, this is like big brain bimbo Barbie time.
And Diamond goes, “Barbie, you don’t even know what presidents do.” Which is so mean, because I totally do. They’re the person on money and they get to ride in that long car with too many doors. See? I’m not dumb.
Hot people should rule the world. End of discussion. Actually not end, because I’m writing a whole thesis, which is like a fancy word for “really long essay that makes me sound smart.”
Point One: Hot People Have Natural Authority
Okay, think about it. When a hot person walks into the room, everyone shuts up. They’re like, “whoa, who is she?” That’s basically charisma, and charisma is leadership but with better hair.
Cleopatra? Hot. Ran Egypt.
Helen of Troy? Hot. Caused a whole war.
Me? Hot. I tell my friends where we’re going on Friday night.
Hotness = authority. Case closed.
Diamond tried to argue that “being educated is more important than being hot,” but honestly, I don’t remember the names of any smart people. Meanwhile, I can name ten hot ones right now without even blinking. That’s science.
Point Two: Hot People Prevent Wars
Listen, wars are basically started because people get mad. And you know who’s really good at calming people down? Hot people.
Instead of countries fighting, they could just send their hottest citizens to walk around in swimsuits and smile. Boom. No more war. Everyone’s too busy staring.
Diamond said, “That’s literally Miss Universe, Barbie.” And I was like, “Exactly. And has Miss Universe ever caused a war? No. She prevents them.” Thank you, case closed.
Point Three: Hot People Are Built for Crisis Management
Being hot is basically a full-time job. You’re constantly dodging weirdos in DMs, rejecting free drinks politely, and taking selfies where your arm doesn’t look like a ham. That’s strategy. That’s problem-solving.
Like, last weekend, a guy spilled Red Bull on my dress and I still managed to get a free Uber ride home from him. If that isn’t crisis management, I don’t know what is.
If we can handle nightlife disasters in six-inch heels, I think we can handle global disasters too.
Point Four: Hot People Keep the Economy Alive
Have you seen the Kardashians? Literally the economy runs on their contour kits. Hot people are basically walking GDPs (and no, I don’t mean Gross Domestic…whatever. I mean Gorgeous Doll Presidents).
If hot people ruled, the economy would be nothing but:
- Makeup sales through the roof.
- Surgeons booked solid.
- Fashion lines sold out.
- A lot more sparkly things being made.
Diamond tried to tell me “the economy is more complicated than that,” but honestly, if it can’t be explained in terms of shoes, I don’t care.
Point Five: Hot People Already Run the Internet
Like, let’s be real. Instagram? TikTok? OnlyFans? All run by hot people. Nobody’s lining up to watch “Uncle Barry Explains Socks, Part 7.”
People want lip gloss, lip-syncs, and lip fillers. That’s what keeps the internet alive. And since the internet basically is the world now, hot people already rule. We just haven’t made it official yet.
I told Diamond we should call this system “Hotocracy.” She said, “That sounds like something you’d catch from a frat boy.” Rude, but whatever. I still think it’s catchy.
Point Six: Hot People Improve Public Health
Okay, so most hot people take care of themselves. (I don’t, but that’s because I’m genetically blessed and Doritos are basically a vegetable.)
If hot people ruled, they’d make laws like:
- Free gym memberships for everyone.
- Botox covered by healthcare.
- Taco Tuesday mandatory.
- National Selfie Day as a holiday.
That’s basically wellness, morale, and community engagement all in one. You’re welcome.
Point Seven: Hot People Make Better Decisions (Trust Me)
Hotness changes how you see the world. Like, when I look at a problem, I immediately ask: “How does this look in a selfie?” And honestly, if politicians asked that before they made decisions, the world would be way better.
Like, no dictator is gonna launch missiles if the lighting is bad. That’s just facts.
Diamond told me, “That’s literally the dumbest thing you’ve ever said.” Which means I’m onto something, because whenever she says that, I know I’ve cracked the code.
Point Eight: Politicians Already Pretend to Be Hot
Look at campaign posters. They’re basically dating profiles. Politicians hire teams to airbrush them, dress them up, and make them look attractive enough to vote for.
So why fake it? Why not just let the real hotties rule? Cut out the middleman. Hot girl logic = democracy but with better selfies.
Point Nine: Hot People Bring Happiness
Have you ever seen a hot person walk by and thought, “Wow, I’m miserable now”? No. You’re happy. Hot people literally make the world brighter just by existing.
If hot people were in charge, morale would skyrocket. People would look forward to the news just to see the outfits.
Counter-Arguments (That Don’t Count)
Okay, some people (probably ugly ones) will say:
- “But Barbie, what about intelligence?”
Um, we can be smart too. I once solved a Sudoku puzzle. It took me three weeks, but I did it. - “What about experience?”
Honey, I’ve dated six guys at once and still managed to remember all their names. That’s logistics. - “What about hard decisions?”
Being hot means deciding between winged eyeliner or smokey eye in under five minutes. That’s pressure.
Objections denied.
The Official Barbie Conclusion
Therefore, my official thesis is: hot people should rule the world. We’re charismatic, strategic, healthier (sometimes), and way cuter in press photos.
And if you don’t agree, that just proves my point because you’re probably not hot enough to understand.
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