Barbie’s Completely Accurate History of Thanksgiving

Okay so first thing: I activated my Bimbo Brain in Second Life this morning, which is what happens when you eat too many turkeys and then have a very educational nap. That’s why I’m writing this now — partly because my hair still smells like gravy, and partly because I single-handedly solved American history. Listen up.

The Real First Thanksgiving (As Told by Barbie)

Now, because I’m basically a historian (I once watched a documentary while doing my nails), I think it’s super important that everyone knows the true origins of Thanksgiving. And lucky for you, Barbie is here to educate the masses. Honestly, it’s shocking that the Smithsonian hasn’t offered me a job yet, but whatever. Their loss.

So, according to my extremely reliable memory, Thanksgiving started like… a long time ago. Possibly in the 1800s. Or the 1600s. Or last week. Time is fake, but my confidence is real.

Anyway picture this:

There were these people called the Plumbergrims (I think that’s right), and they arrived in America because Europe banned those big hats with the buckles on them. Apparently everyone kept bonking into doorframes. Total disaster.

The Plumbergrims got on a boat called the Mayflower, which I always thought was named after the cleaning spray, but apparently not, and they sailed all the way to America, which back then didn’t even have Target. Nightmare fuel, truly.

So the Plumbergrims land on a rock (probably by accident, because those shoes cannot have had good grip), and then they meet the locals who were like, “Hi, welcome, please stop touching everything.” And the Plumbergrims were like, “Sorry, we’re just trying to find potatoes.”

Why Thanksgiving Is Really About Food, Fashion, and Flexibility

This part is VERY important, because everyone thinks Thanksgiving is about being thankful, but actually it started because they wanted to celebrate finding enough food that wasn’t weird or poisonous. Like, imagine doing a whole dinner party just because you finally found something edible — actually, wait, I’ve done that.

So the locals taught them how to grow corn, but the Plumbergrims didn’t trust vegetables with hair, so they mostly ignored that part. But they did learn how to make turkey delicious, and that’s when the first Thanksgiving happened. They invited everyone over for a feast, even though the table was literally one log and a rock.

And this part I remember perfectly, because I’m pretty sure I read it on Pinterest: the first Thanksgiving meal was turkey, mashed potatoes, pumpkin pie, and at least one uncle complaining about something nobody cares about. So basically it’s been running the same script for 400 years.

But the true meaning of Thanksgiving — and this is what NO ONE else seems to understand except me — is sharing food with hot outfits on. Because the Plumbergrims didn’t have mirrors, so they didn’t know how good they looked in those little buckle hats. If they had modern technology, like ring lights or Instagram, Thanksgiving would clearly be a fashion holiday.

Honestly, the only reason we don’t wear buckle hats now is because influencers haven’t rediscovered them yet. I give it six months.

But here’s where the story gets really fascinating: Thanksgiving didn’t become a big national thing until a lady named Sarah Something wrote lots of letters saying, “Hey, can we please make this official?” And the government eventually said yes, probably because they were hungry.

And that, in my expert opinion, is the most girlboss thing I’ve ever heard. She literally bothered the entire country into celebrating food. Legend.

My Attempt At Historical Reenactment

Now fast-forward to this year, where I attempted to recreate the authentic historical experience by cooking a turkey myself. I wanted to honor the Plumbergrims. And I wanted to show Diamond I am capable of making something other than iced coffee.

But here’s the thing they don’t tell you: turkeys are too big. Why are they that big? Who decided that was okay? I tried to pick one up and it was like wrestling a feathery bowling ball. At one point I was absolutely certain the bird was winning.

Eventually I got it into the oven, but then the oven started smoking, and I was screaming, and Diamond yelled from the other room, “Stop trying to recreate history, it didn’t go well the first time!” which was rude but also correct.

In the end, I gave up and ordered pre-cooked turkey from the store, and honestly? I think the Plumbergrims would’ve loved DoorDash. Imagine showing up at their log table like, “Hi, here’s your turkey, please rate me five stars.”

So yes, I ate too much. And yes, I passed out with cranberry sauce in my hair. And yes, I still think the buckle hat should make a comeback. But the moral of Thanksgiving is very simple:

Be thankful. Eat things. Wear something cute. Tell people you love them unless they’re annoying. And always trust Barbie’s historical wisdom, because it’s always scientifically correct.

Honestly, that’s probably how the holiday was actually invented. And if it wasn’t, it should’ve been.

The end.
(Or as the Plumbergrims probably said: gobble gobble.)