So, the other day, someone, who wasn’t a bimbo, told me I had to stop saying “literally” in every sentence because it made me sound dumb. Which is funny, because I literally just wrote this whole essay and I didn’t even know anything about it before I started.
That’s when it hit me: I’m basically a genius. Because normal people spend hours reading, thinking, learning, all that boring stuff. I just… write. And people believe me.
So this is our official guide on how to write an essay without knowing anything. It’s worked for me every time, and if it works for Bimbo Barbie, it’ll probably work for you too, because I’m, like, really unprepared most of the time.
Step One: The Title
Every essay needs a title. That’s the first thing they see, so it has to look smart. I always put something with a colon in it, because that makes it official. Like:
“Shakespeare: Why He Was Probably Sad.”
Do I know if Shakespeare was sad? No. But the colon makes it sound like I’ve done research.
Step Two: The Introduction
In the introduction, you just tell them what you’re about to say, even if you don’t know what that is yet. I usually write something like, “This essay will explore important ideas about life and people.” That can apply to literally anything.
One time I wrote that about volcanoes. My teacher underlined it, but she didn’t cross it out, which means it was fine.
Step Three: The Paragraphs
Okay so this part is easy. You just say the same thing three different ways. Like if the essay is about dogs, I’d write:
- Dogs are good.
- Dogs are nice.
- People like dogs.
Boom. That’s three paragraphs. Add a random example like, “One time I saw a dog at the park,” and suddenly it’s a story. Professors love “personal experience.”
Step Four: Big Words
ThiI always throw in big words. Not too many, because then it’s suspicious, but just enough so they go, “Wow, she’s clever.”
Words like “theory,” “philosophy,” or “metaphor.” Honestly, I don’t know what they mean, but they sound great. I once wrote, “The metaphor of cats is very powerful.” Nobody questioned it.
Step Five: Quotes
This is my fave trick. If you put quotation marks around anything, it looks important.
Like, I once wrote: “Knowledge is power.” I think that was in a Beyoncé song, but my teacher probably thought it was from a president. And she gave me a check mark for it.
Diamond said, “That’s from Francis Bacon.” Which is gross, because why is bacon writing quotes?
Step Six: Numbers
Numbers make it look like you’ve done research. You don’t need real ones, just put a percent.
Like: “Studies show that 80% of people agree.” What study? Don’t worry about it. The teacher’s too busy grading to Google.
I even made up a whole statistic once about fish. I said “half of all fish can read body language.” Nobody argued, because maybe they can.
Step Seven: Questions
When you run out of ideas, ask a question. Professors love questions because they think you’re “engaging with the material.”
So you can just write, “But what does this really mean? And can we ever be sure?” That fills space and makes it sound deep.
Step Eight: The Conclusion
At the end, you just repeat the introduction but sound more serious. Like, “In conclusion, life and people are very important.” Done.
You don’t actually have to conclude anything. Nobody notices.
Step Nine: The Title Page
If your essay looks pretty, they won’t even read it properly. I always center the title, bold my name, and maybe doodle a star at the bottom. Presentation is everything.
My Professor said once, “Your essay was nonsense, but it looked neat, so you got a C.” That’s a win to me.
Barbie’s Final Secret
So yeah, that’s how you do it. You don’t need to know anything. You just need a colon in your title, some big words, a fake statistic, and a confident conclusion.
And if the teacher doesn’t buy it, just wear something cute when you hand it in. Nobody fails a girl in lip gloss.
Leave a Reply